she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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