wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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