before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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