3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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