Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
