Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
