I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
