nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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