i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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