why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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