His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
