I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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