Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Randomize
