I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
