I skipped work to stalk him.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
