He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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