I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
