Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
