Who wears a wallet chain?!
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
