while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
you didnt know i had herpes?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
