what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
