Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Randomize
