Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
