my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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