During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
