so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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