dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I want a musical about memes.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
