just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
