Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just threw up on my dentist
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
