Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
