She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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