: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Randomize
