i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
