he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
