doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
