Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
