do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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