I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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