I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
