Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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