Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
