bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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