i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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