I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
