Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
