Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
