I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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