Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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