pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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