I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
