she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
