Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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