my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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