Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
