you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
