dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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