I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
We have started to decorate penises.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
