your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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