If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
