i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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