Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
