1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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